I was seven-eight when I first felt I liked somebody, I was in second or third grade and every Monday we were supposed to have a ceremony were all grades would be in line and it is such a vivid memory, I had the biggest crush on a sixth grader, in my mind I have her image like this beautiful light brown mid length hair, hazel eyes girl.
As a kid you really don’t realize if you look dumb or not so I just remember thinking that playing tag and running as fast as I could near where she was would get me noticed… I believe she only looked at me once and smiled, I guess she thought I was a cute little girl…
Now that I think about it, I don’t ever remember felt that my preferences were other than natural, I didn’t come to a sense of realization within the years, I have always been me.
Even as a child I always felt like what I am: a man, I sure understood that physically I did not look exactly like how I felt and sure understood society expected me to talk, act, dress and behave a certain way but it never represented such a huge issue for me; my mom would let me dress as I pleased and play with whichever toys I wanted, hell! she even bought me entire collections of Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Jurassic Park, etc.
When I think about it I truly believe I had a blessed and happy childhood, never faced discrimination or bullying except from a school teacher that told my mom I should not be playing soccer with the boys and should use the school skirt uniform at all times… my mom pretty much sent her to fuck herself.
I find it somehow distant to my personal experience to realize a lot of FTM’s don’t acknowledge themselves as such until further down their lives and I feel that it is a real shame that some other won’t at all, I don’t mean to say it as a judgement but as a truly felt sense of lost but I understand it is not easy for anybody at so many different levels I just wish everybody could feel as happy as I have felt since I am able to introduce myself to the world exactly for who I am.